Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
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[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Meeeee too!
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“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Uh oh…
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How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
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me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.