“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”![]()
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Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.