Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
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I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
$4 #usedbooks
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Coffee for people with no kids
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.