I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
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23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?