AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
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Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
I only eat vegetarians.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.