Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
You Might Also Like
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”