Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
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To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Can Happiness buy money?
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea