*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
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When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.