I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
You Might Also Like
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Holy crap this is wonderful
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.