Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
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Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
the Monday after daylight savings
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying