my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
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The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Happy Febuary everyone!
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
dads on road-trips be like
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.