my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
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Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
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New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that