Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
You Might Also Like
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.