WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
You Might Also Like
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
<- sleeps well with others
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.