🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
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i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
when nothing goes right… go left
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]