The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
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The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Don’t talk down to me
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me