Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
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My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.