*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
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“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED