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3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living