When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
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[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
#oldknees
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.