She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
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Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.