lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
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*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.