My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
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The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours