NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
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Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Education is vital
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.