FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
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ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
shampoo implies shampee
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..