Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
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Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
me 2 months after i graduated
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date