ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
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friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.