Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
You Might Also Like
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
I’M CRYINGGG
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Every haunted house movie:
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.