Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
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Ion see the issue
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.