Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
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Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.