*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
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My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.