Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
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Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
My friend is an excellent librarian.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?