Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
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Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
me when I see my crush
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
You look like you would fail a DNA test
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…