Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
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I have no idea what she’s talking about.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
this FaceApp is creepy af
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.