*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?![]()
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My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
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This dude got his own movie?
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*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!