Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
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Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster