(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
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My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK