time machine? you mean a clock?
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Never ghost your hitman.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar