First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
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Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
The Punning Dead.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys