I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
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Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Interior design 👌
Sorry not sorry.
Wait for it
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.