The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
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Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Can’t. Being lazy.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.