Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
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Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.