There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
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Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?