Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
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Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?