Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
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Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”