I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
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“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
rise and shine we got egg
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”