My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
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Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Finally
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*