They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
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ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Boating season is upon us.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Okay, I’m still confused…
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the