My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
You Might Also Like
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
wish me luck lads
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]