8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
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The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
sounds kinky. i’m in.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive