It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
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Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that