The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
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Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.